


What I never told before

by Raen_Fay



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27618425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raen_Fay/pseuds/Raen_Fay
Summary: On the twentieth anniversary of Starfleet's arrival on Tarsus IV, a memorial service is scheduled. Captain James Tiberius Kirk has been asked by the admiral's staff to give a speech. Jim uses this speech as an opportunity to answer all those questions about his past about which he never spoke before.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 7
Kudos: 100





	What I never told before

Stardate 2266

A few weeks earlier, the Enterprise had received a message from Starfleet Command asking if Captain Kirk would give a speech on the twentieth anniversary of the arrival of the starships on Tarsus IV. After some consideration, Kirk had agreed. The resulting stay of the Enterprise at the space station on Earth was extended to a one-month stay, so that modernisation could take place and the crew had some time for holidays. The arrival of the popular Captain and his crew caused quite a stir and so it was not surprising that many media reported about it and about some other circumstances which accompanied the stay.

_We all know him, James Tiberius Kirk, youngest captain in Starfleet. With his charming manner and his carefree, almost childish smile, the Captain of the USS Enterprise has taken the hearts of many by storm. Although a smile was always his companion, his eyes told a completely different story. Questions about the reasons for the grief that seemed to accompany him most of the time, he always avoided and also to other questions about his private life he never gave a clear answer. The stars would be his great love, these and similar answers he gave with a dreamy smile when asked about a partner in his life._ _However, it looks as if Kirk has overcome his grief in the last months. He is still wearing his typical smile, but it seems to reach his eyes more and more regularly. Kirk also shows a gentle, loving smile more and more often when he seems to dwell in memories for a few moments. After a supposedly very wild and eventful youth, it now looks as if Kirk has found someone who can conjure up a similar expression on his face as his beloved stars._ _This is also suggested by another small detail, which has certainly caused quite a stir since his current stay here on earth. Captain Kirk is wearing a ring. So it seems that he has not only found his happiness in love, but that he has also bound this love to himself. Who the person is that makes the popular Captain so happy is not known to us. Also our suspicions concerning his relationship status have remained uncommented so far. But if they are correct, we wish the Captain and his partner all the luck in the galaxies._

With this article in mind, Jim had prepared his speech. Now Spock watched Jim enter the stage and step behind the podium. At Jim's carotid artery Spock could see that his pulse was elevated. This observation was only possible for him because he had learned from the close interaction with Jim that this is the only reliable sign of nervousness on Jim's part. It did not take long for complete silence to take over the whole place. For a brief moment Spock made eye contact with Jim before Jim started his speech.

"We are gathered here today to remember the victims of the massacre on Tarsus IV." Though hardly noticeable to anyone else, Spock realised that Jim was speaking faster than usual, indicating that he was considerably more nervous than Spock had previously assumed. "Governor Kodos, after most of the food supplies had been destroyed by a mould, drew up a plan to save some of the colonists from starvation. Part of this plan was to execute half the colonists living on Tarsus IV. Kodos condemned mainly old and sick people as well as children to death because, in his opinion, they had no value for society." Although Jim was giving common knowledge, most people followed his speech with interest.

After a short pause, Jim continued. "My name is James Tiberius Kirk, but I think most of those present know my name. What many don't know about, however, is my private life, about which many questions have already reached me. So far I have tried to avoid these questions and have answered them evasively. When my name is mentioned, many think of the rebel, the risk-taker, the son of George Kirk. An image of me that I have also tried to see for a long time." Jim cleared his throat briefly and took a deep breath before continuing. "I find it difficult to talk about my past and that's why very few people know about it. The years of my youth are marked by traumatic events and more than once I stood before a seemingly insurmountable cliff." The audience continued to follow Jim's words in silence.

"The circumstances of my birth alone are a story in itself. For a very long time, I blamed Starfleet and the Federation for not giving me the opportunity to get to know my father. After all..." These words briefly caused a stir and interrupted Jim before silence quickly fell over the audience again. Spock tried to determine what the audience thought of Jim's statement. He could hear someone close to him asking the person sitting next to him what the private life of James Kirk had to do with the massacre on Tarsus IV. When Jim started talking again, Spock focused his attention again on Jim.

"After all, my father died when he was in command of the Kelvin and I have long assumed that his oath of allegiance to Starfleet was more important to him than his wife and child. Apart from that, of course, my father's death had other effects on my later life." Once again, he took a short break. "It was difficult to understand that I did not have two parents that I saw more or less regularly, like most children my age. However, since I only knew life with my mother from the beginning, this was no real loss for me." A longer break followed, during which Jim briefly let his eyes wander over the audience.

"Things only became more difficult when my mother brought home this new man who became my stepfather far too quickly and who expected something from me that I had not known until then. The father-son relationship that my mother probably hoped to give me could only fail from the beginning. When I was eight years old, my mother could no longer look me in the eye, because I grew up more and more in the image of my father. And so she left me in the care of my stepfather when she started travelling distant planets and galaxies for Starfleet again". With these words, a disturbance arose once more, which lasted a little longer before the attendants fell silent again.

"Once again I blamed Starfleet and the Federation for taking away an important part of my life; my mother, the only person in my life with whom I had a real connection." This time, this statement was not followed by an uproar. Nevertheless, Spock could hear someone quietly expressing his understanding.

"My stepfather, however, blamed me for my mother's departure. Every day I became more rebellious and the relationship with my stepfather got worse. Until finally he couldn't stand me any longer and sent me at age twelve to his relatives on Tarsus IV without my mother's knowledge". And although there was already total silence at that moment, it seemed to become even quieter as the audience followed Jim's words tensely and seemed to prepare themselves for what words, how many certainly became aware of at that moment, would now have to follow. "In the beginning this was the best time of my youth. I was thirteen years old when the unthinkable happened. My name was one of many on the list." Jim's voice broke and he also had to clear his throat a few times before he could continue. That moment gave those in attendance time to fully realize what they had heard.

Before Jim continued his speech he let his eyes wander over the whole square. Spock caught Jim's searching gaze and through eye contact Jim seemed to find new strength for the following words. " Thanks to the quick thinking of some, I and thirty-nine other children managed to escape. Suddenly, as one of the oldest, I was in charge of two-year olds." For a moment Jim seems to be caught up in memories of that time before he recovered and continued. "After about half the time, twenty-three children had succumbed to hunger and disease." At this point, Jim paused again for a moment and lowered his head in obvious grief for the lost children with whom he had certainly formed a close bond through the extraordinary situation.

"When Starfleet finally arrived, there were only nine of us left. Again, I blamed Starfleet and the Federation for the fate that befell me." The words sounded harsher than intended, probably because Jim found it difficult to suppress the trembling in his voice. This was most likely not noticeable to those present, but Spock could clearly make out the slight tremor. Spock realised how difficult it was for Jim to continue talking when he closed his eyes for a short moment and took a deep breath.

"I can hardly remember the following months today. One examination followed another." For a brief moment a smile flitted across Jim's face before it was replaced by a hard expression. "The only positive thing about that time was that my mother returned to look after me, although I could not approve of that at the time. She had left me once before, why wouldn't she do it again?" Jim's eyes danced restlessly back and forth between the listeners. "I did not succeed in overcoming these fears and reestablishing a stable bond with her. Even today I still find it hard to trust that individuals close to me will not leave me alone." Once again Jim's gaze wandered to Spock and it was clear to him that Jim was thinking about how long it had taken him to fully trust Spock. It still filled Spock with an unfamiliar warmth when he remembered that today he had Jim's blind trust. He almost missed Jim's next words. "I have also kept a reminder from the time on Tarsus IV, to this day I never go anywhere without having something to eat with me." Jim's hand wandered sheepishly to where Spock knew a granola bar was hidden under the parade uniform jacket. Another gesture that Spock was sure few of those present were aware of what it meant.

"For about a year I and the other eight were treated until we were considered mentally healthy enough to return to normal life. The information about this time in our medical records was deemed classified." Spock recognised how Jim's eyes rested on Doctor McCoy for a few seconds. "My mother stayed with me for another year before fleeing into space again and leaving me in the care of our neighbours." A sad smile fell on Jim's face. "At first everything seemed to be fine. I buried myself in my studies and quickly became the best in my class." This statement caused a brief moment of turmoil among those present, as few knew how intelligent Jim actually was. His reputation as the youngest captain and his physique made many forget what it meant to be a captain. "It was not long before I had acquired a knowledge that many adults only dream about. However, this knowledge meant that I was no longer accepted by my peers and was increasingly teased with it. It led to fights, which I eventually learned to win." Especially Jim's last words made Spock think about his education on Vulcan, before he suppressed these thoughts again with Jim's following words.

"Before I was old enough I started spending my evenings and nights in pubs and bars. The neighbours, into whose care my mother had given me, had long since lost control over me and did not even try to get it back." Renewed turmoil followed. Spock knew that those present knew Jim much more as the person he was now describing. "I kept losing my grip, drinking regularly, fighting far too often and wandering around in the grey area of the laws almost all the time. All this made me feel alive." Jim's slightly downward tilted, evasive gaze made Spock realise how uncomfortable Jim was to admit this.

"One night I met Christopher Pike." Spock was certain that at that moment, Jim was seeing his mentor before his inner eye. He knew that loss of Christopher Pike still hurt Jim. "This encounter was one of the most important moments in my life. At first I was just annoyed that he forced a conversation on me, but there were two sentences in that conversation that changed everything for me. Those sentences were: Your father was captain of a starship for twelve minutes. He saved 800 lives, including your mother's and yours." At this point Jim paused a little longer before continuing in a firm voice.

"For the first time in my life, I really realised that by holding his position, my father had not only followed his oath of allegiance to Starfleet and the Federation, but had also saved the lives of my mother and I." Jim emphasised the following words emphatically. "He had held his position to save the most important people in his life." This statement was followed by an appreciative silence. "Even though I couldn't get to know my father, I realised at that moment that he had given me, through his actions, the most precious gift of all; my life." If the previous words had been followed by a silence, this statement caused murmurs. Jim had to pause for a moment and had to regain the attention of those present by clearing his throat briefly. "Thanks Dad. I will never forget that your sacrifice for your great love and your child is one of the reasons why I stand here today."

After a short break he continued. "Another reason are the twelve minutes as captain, in which he saved 800 lives. As a captain I would have the same opportunity. I'd be able to prevent a massacre like the one on Tarsus IV." Jim's words gave the audience a clear understanding of why the words of Christopher Pike made Jim change his mind. "All of a sudden, I saw my future before me. The two institutions that I had held responsible for all the negative things in my life for so long gave me the opportunity to escape all this; to make a difference and make sure that as few children as possible would have the same fate as I did." Spock knew that with these words, Jim was revising everything negative he had previously said about Starfleet and the Federation, and bringing the two institutions into a perspective that many had not considered.

"Christopher Pike's words had rekindled a fire and passion in me that I had long thought lost and that made me feel alive." With these words, the Jim Kirk, whom the entire crew of the Enterprise had seen regularly during the five-year mission, could be recognised only too well. Jim's features softened before he spoke any further.

"Today, after having found my great love, I am able to understand even better why my father gave his life to save my mother and me." The rest of the sentence was almost completely drowned in the agitation caused by Jim's confirmation that there was someone at his side. It took quite a while before silence was restored and Jim could resume his speech. "This love also helps me comprehend why my mother was at some point no longer able to watch the image of her husband grow up. But that doesn't mean that I can understand it."

Jim took a deep breath. "If you are listening to this, Mum, I want you to know that I have forgiven you for it anyway. I also want to remind you that Dad gave his life to give us a future. He would not have wanted us to spend that future apart." Although Jim's words again caused a bit of a stir, this time he continued without letting it disturb him, which meant that he quickly regained full attention. "I can understand that my appearance must be very painful for you, but I am not only the image of your great love, but also his last gift to you". Jim's smile might have deceived the audience, but Spock knew that these words were hard for Jim to say. After briefly clearing his throat, Jim continued speaking.

"Since my first day in Starfleet, I've had the feeling again that there's someone who cares about me, who values me. I've made friends and I've found a family." Spock saw that Jim's eyes wandered over the crew of the Enterprise during those words before resting on him. "And what's more important, I have found a love that has opened my eyes and finally let me overcome my past." Jim's gaze broke away from Spock.

"I will forever be Jim Kirk the rebel, the risk-taker and the son of George Kirk. But I am also James Tiberius Kirk, the man who has overcome the deep abysses within himself. The man who went through hell and was broken by it before he began to become one again with the help of others." After a moment of absolute silence, the audience broke into applause. Very few people remained in their chairs and questions were shouted wildly.

But Spock's eyes were only on Jim, who had stepped out from behind the podium and gazed out over the audience. When he spotted Spock and McCoy, who was standing right next to Spock, he left the stage and tried to get to Spock and McCoy directly. He was repeatedly interrupted by different listeners. Many shook hands with him and dedicated words to him. Some of the words he accepted with a nod of his head. To others he reacted defensively. Again and again, he caught the look of Spock, who watched Jim's progress with his hands clasped behind his back. When Jim had almost reached them, Spock could see that Jim was toying with the black and gold ring on his left ring finger.

Involuntarily, Spock's hand wandered to the place where under his parade uniform was the counterpart of Jim's ring on a necklace. Jim did not miss this and he considered Spock's gesture with a broad smile when he finally came to Spock and McCoy. "Captain," Spock greeted him. "Mr. Spock," Jim replied. McCoy patted Jim on the shoulder. "Jim." "Bones," Jim said, grinning broadly at the doctor before all three turned to leave and join the rest of Jim's closest friends that were waiting at the edge of the square. And if for a moment the tips of Spock's and Jim's index and middle fingers touched, nobody noticed it.


End file.
